(projector clicking) (light orchestral music) (grand orchestral music) ♪ Bing Crosby, Bob Hope ♪ ♪ Dorothy Lamour ♪ ♪ In "The Road to Bali" ♪ >> Narrator: The commonwealth of Australia, land of many frontiers.

Lone steppingstone across the vast Pacific to the mysterious, brooding islands of the Malayan archipelago.

Last outpost of the art and culture of the Western world.

Our story takes us to Melbourne.

Melbourne, birthplace of Nellie Melba, the famous coloratura soprano, Australia's gift to American opera.

Appearing here as a token of appreciation for Melbourne's glorious gift are two distinguished concert artists steeped in the tradition of America's classical music.

(up-tempo jazz music) >> Look out!

>> You ready for this?

♪ Who's that coming down the thoroughfare ♪ ♪ The sunshine flashing on his ring ♪ ♪ Bowing left and right and here and there ♪ >> You're delightful.

>> Just floating.

♪ That's Chester, the trombone king ♪ ♪ He gets his shirts straight from Paris ♪ ♪ Cigarettes from the Nile ♪ ♪ He talks like an Arab but he plays Chicago style ♪ ♪ He gets his shoes made in London ♪ ♪ And they're real crocodile ♪ ♪ But he plays trombone Chicago style ♪ ♪ And he sometimes play sweet ♪ (scatting) ♪ But sweet or hot, he's always got ♪ ♪ That real gutbucket beat ♪ ♪ He's got a neat Latin mustache ♪ ♪ And the girls love his smile ♪ ♪ He plays trombone Chicago style ♪ ♪ A trombone made and music played in Chicago style ♪ (trombone music) >> Nylon mute, huh?

>> Run out and have that filled.

(audience laughing) (audience laughing) >> Take it, Twinkletoes.

>> Got it, Helium Hips.

>> This boy's diseased with rhythm!

(audience laughing) >> Why, Verna!

>> Is this the one, daughter?

>> Shh!

You'll cover up my partner's taps.

>> They both proposed to me.

>> Well, Verna, we're both crazy about you.

We've been fighting over you all week.

>> Really?

>> Yeah, and I won.

Harold's gonna marry her.

(upbeat jazz music) Wait till you see what I got lined up for you, boy.

>> What is it, a dame?

>> What else would I line up for you?

>> What's wrong with her?

>> Oh, she's a doll.

>> Really?

>> She's a belle, yes.

>> Cut it down to two encores.

>> Okay.

>> Let's move.

There he goes, one of my best pupils.

Had a tough time getting the lead out of his feet, but there he is.

I'll never forget, we were down in- (audience laughing) Don't bend the wardrobe.

>> Is this the bloke that popped the question?

>> Both of them did.

>> Eunice.

>> Harold, darling, this is the happiest day of my life.

>> Yeah, then why spoil it with a wedding?

>> But darling, I want to marry you.

Or George.

>> Fine, I'll be best man.

>> Good.

>> See you!

>> What?

(upbeat jazz music) >> Boy, have I got something cooked up for you.

>> Yeah?

Put it in deep freeze.

Didn't a similar situation occur in Allentown in '47?

>> Thanks for the memory.

Let's get out of here fast.

♪ A trombone made and music played in Chicago style ♪ ♪ Hey hey ♪ ♪ Look out ♪ >> You!

>> Come back here!

♪ Chicago style ♪ >> This'll drive 'em crazy when it doesn't come back.

>> Yeah, come on!

>> You!

Come back here!

(all yelling) (train horn blowing) (sighing) >> Boy may not have his teeth in today.

>> Gentlemen, I told you.

There are no two actors traveling together on this train.

>> There's one of them!

>> Pilot to belly gunner!

Bailing out!

(train horn blowing) (straw hat cracking) >> Wouldn't listen to me, would you?

"Let's stow away on a boat to 'Frisco," I said.

"No, no," you said, let's hop a rattler.

You take the upper," you said, "I'll take the lower."

You had a sub-lower.

Besides, look at the money I saved you on tips, boy.

"Get plenty of fresh air," you said.

"Oh, not me," I said.

"Hide underneath," you said, they'll never find you."

>> I said.

>> You're gonna ride inside, keep an eye out.

>> I said.

>> You know what kills me?

>> What's the matter now?

>> You never listen to me, that's what kills me.

And where are we now?

We're lost.

>> Yakety-yakety-yakety- >> That's where we are, yeah.

>> Come on, we've got some traveling to do.

On your feet, elbow nose, come on here.

>> Drop that beak!

The day I met you, there were vultures in the sky.

I should have taken that for an omen.

>> Those were bluebirds, now stop worrying.

I'll get you out of this.

>> Oh, don't, look.

Don't get me out of things.

Stop getting me into things, will you?

>> Look, Harold!

(sheep bleating and baaing) >> Well, I'll be darned, French poodles.

>> No, those are sheep!

We're saved!

>> I don't trust you or the sheep.

>> Don't you see, Harold?

Wherever there's sheep, there's a farm.

Wherever there's a farm, there's a farmer.

And wherever there's a farmer, there's a farmer's daughter.

>> Now you're getting me into trouble again.

>> Come on!

>> Let's walk, don't run.

>> Yeah.

You know, for a couple of guys on the lam, we're in pretty good company.

♪ We're ♪ ♪ We're poor little lambs who have lost our way ♪ ♪ Baa baa ♪ ♪ Baa hmm ♪ (sheep bleating) That was helpful, wasn't it?

>> Fred Waring must have played through here.

Boy, am I tired of that Whiffenpoof song.

>> One more whiff and poof!

>> We may be dirty, but we're healthy.

>> Yes, sir.

>> Every time they dipped the sheep, they dipped us.

>> Say, why don't we stick with them?

We may get sheared too.

>> I'm beginning to like it.

>> What have we here?

>> Those are for argyle socks.

(both laughing) Don't y- >> Oh, let's get out of here.

>> Here we go.

>> Ah, here we are, here we are.

Some mighty attractive openings there for a fellow if he likes work, huh?

>> Who's next to closing?

>> This, this is for me.

>> You can't cook.

>> Well, I can learn while you wash the dishes, buddy.

>> Oh, no, no.

I'll cook and you wash dishes.

You can stack them behind your ears to dry.

>> Oh, see here now- >> Excuse, me, mates.

Right-o, come in.

Scratch, scratch.

>> There goes the daily double.

>> What a pity.

Just when I was gonna let you have your way too.

>> Say, I haven't looked for work since I was night watchman at Vassar.

>> That's before we were in the cough drop business.

>> Yes, these electric razors.

There's nothing like 'em, huh?

>> The Aristocrats.

Take a mowing machine to get this hedge knocked off.

>> Like a lamb we're hiding.

>> Uh, how long can you hold your breath, Junior?

>> My breath?

Well, I, you- >> Oh.

Prince Ken Arok.

Back again, eh?

>> You must help me.

I need sea divers again.

>> Not a flaming chance and you know it.

Four divers shipped out to your island already and never came back.

>> Fine men too.

But they met with accidents.

>> Accidents my eye.

We all know about Bogotin.

>> Bogotin is a legend.

>> Then why don't you get your own people to dive if Bogotin is only a blooming legend?

>> People of Vatu are superstitious and still believe in witchcraft.

>> It ain't no witchcraft done them men in.

Look here, Prince.

You couldn't get any diver in Australia to take on your job, not for all the beer in Darwin!

>> Well, Buster, looks like the briny deep for us.

Hop along upstairs now, will you, to complete the necessary arrangements?

Go along.

>> Why me?

Why don't you go up?

>> No elevator.

Remember, you're a much younger man than I am.

>> Who isn't?

>> Hop along now.

>> Excuse me, sir.

>> Yes?

>> But are you a deep sea diver?

>> Well, I'm just a graduate of UCUW.

That's University of California Underwater.

>> Oh, an American?

Then perhaps you would be interested in a job that would bring you rich rewards.

Well, of course, candidly, rich rewards do remove a good deal of the dullness from mere work, I guess.

Yes, that's true.

What's the pitch?

>> Sunken treasure.

>> Treasure?

Well, I'll have it up for you in a jiffy.

I must tell you one thing though.

I don't do the actual diving myself.

I have another boy for that.

I remain on deck and I operate the pump.

>> Oh, but excellent.

>> Your hand.

>> Yes, sir, I'll have that treasure up in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

And believe me, I know how to shake a lamb's tail.

Oh, there's one little thing I must explain.

You see, I'm not actually the diver.

I'm the pump man.

I have a friend who does the diving.

>> Is your friend experienced?

>> Oh, he's been underwater half his life.

He used to be a lifeguard in a car wash. Where is this island of yours, Prince?

>> A few days' journey across the sea on the road to Bali.

You will love Vatu.

It is an island paradise.

>> Girls, huh?

>> Could it be a paradise without girls?

>> Welcome to the club.

Oh, I must cable mother to send my other lips.

Boy, did I make a terrific deal.

>> I knew you'd do it, you little genius, you.

>> Oh, I did it.

>> Good, congratulations.

>> It's a deal.

>> There you are.

>> Yes, sir.

>> Well, these threads are a little beat.

If we're shoving off to paradise, we better slip into our linens, huh?

>> Gung will take care of your needs.

We will sail at sundown.

>> Sundown, that's perfect.

I freckle, you know.

Girls, paradise, money, what a jackpot.

>> And you did it all with your own little mind.

>> My little head.

(both baaing) (horn honks) (ship's horn blowing) >> Oh, say, Muscles, take our luggage, will you?

>> Here you are.

>> Don't get these mixed up now.

Mine's blue for boy.

>> Say, Sam?

Is that the way all the natives dress on your island?

Really?

>> George?

>> Huh?

>> Do you suppose- >> Not a chance.

>> Stick around, folks.

He could be wrong, you know.

>> Cast off.

>> Who?

Oh.

(light orchestral music) ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh, romance comes with the moon flowers ♪ ♪ Tonight the moon flowers will be in bloom ♪ ♪ Love walks among the moon flowers ♪ ♪ I planted moon flowers outside my room ♪ ♪ I'll watch the path that winds by the wishing tree ♪ ♪ It ends beneath my window and there I'll be ♪ ♪ And there I'll wait for the love I long for ♪ ♪ Tonight the moon flowers may bloom for me ♪ ♪ I'll watch the path that winds by the wishing tree ♪ ♪ It ends beneath my window and there I'll be ♪ ♪ And there I'll wait for the love I long for ♪ ♪ Tonight the moon flowers may bloom for me ♪ >> Isn't it beautiful?

It's the tartan of my father's clan.

>> Highness, your cousin, Prince Ken Arok.

He is here.

(gong crashing) >> I will see him alone.

You girls may leave.

>> Hey, things are picking up.

(women laughing) Case the local architecture.

>> Yeah.

Built like brick pagodas.

>> Welcome to Vatu.

>> They look like Americans.

>> Looks like Ken Arok brought them.

>> They are not bad.

>> You think they are sailors?

>> Too bad there are only two of them.

>> They must have got our wire.

>> We gotta ration ourselves down here, you know.

>> Let's get the box lunches and head for the high country, Murgatroyd.

>> I don't know which way to turn.

Everything looks so good.

>> Don't get tied down.

This may just be the older stuff, you know.

>> Man: Oh, no!

>> What's that?

>> It's Errol Flynn.

He can't stand it.

>> Make yourself available.

>> Yes, we'll meet you at the drive-in.

I'll send you my suit size.

>> Isn't it nice to know we still got that old magnetism?

>> That sea air must have recharged our batteries.

>> I feel like I've had a complete overhaul.

>> If we can get our speedometers turned back now, we're in business.

>> Wouldn't that be lovely?

>> Don't look now, but Tabu and his brother are still with us.

>> Well, don't worry about them.

Let them get their own girls, huh?

>> I wonder if they massage.

>> Too bad my prayers went unanswered.

>> Prayers?

For me?

>> Yes, that you be washed overboard.

(laughs) >> Despite your prayers, I managed to obtain some excellent diving equipment and two American divers.

I think our plan- >> Our plan?

I want no part of it.

Your two Americans will die like all the others.

It's just coldblooded murder.

>> Hey, how about those chicks, huh?

>> Steady, steady, now.

Remember Australia.

>> All that trouble.

>> Yes, we're not gonna get involved with girls again, remember?

>> No, sir, never.

>> No, sir.

>> Okay.

>> Well.

>> Well.

>> Well.

>> Your turn.

Tilt.

>> Your Highness, may I present our guests.

>> Both: Highness?

>> Gentlemen, you are in the presence of my cousin, Princess Lala of Vatu.

>> Well, the name's Gridley, Princess.

Harold Gridley.

Sportsman, raconteur, polo player and all-around good egg.

>> Well, don't lay it here, huh?

>> Welcome to Vatu, gentlemen.

>> George Cochran at your service, Your Highness.

>> Oh-ho, Ze Continental!

>> Go, go, run, play with the peasants.

I'll take care of the royalty, do you mind?

>> Me?

>> Go now, go.

>> Do you always fight over girls?

>> What else can we fight over?

We've never had any money.

That's for Washington.

>> Now, let's be fair.

Let's be fair, Leroy.

If you can't pay, they give you time.

>> Follow me, gentlemen.

>> Where else?

>> Coming.

>> They have become friendly.

It is a bad omen.

>> Omens are for old women.

The sharks will soon be picking their bones.

(laughs) (whistles) >> This kid carries her own antenna.

>> Shh!

Man, this is quite a Quonset.

>> Amazing what you can do with a GI loan.

They must have gambling here.

>> Time!

>> Who's there?

>> She was my mother, Queen Tama of Vatu.

>> Beautiful.

>> And he was my father.

>> Didn't anybody in the family wear the pants?

>> Colorful old chap, wasn't he?

Certainly must have gotten around some.

>> Father sailed a merchant ship that called here.

He liked the island, met mother and remained.

>> I'd like to remain here myself.

>> You're reading my mind.

>> You?

You're the one always wants to go home.

>> I'm home.

This is it.

>> Something wrong, Princess?

>> You must be very tired after your voyage.

You must rest before- >> Before what?

>> Before tonight.

I am having a feast in your honor.

>> Run out to the car and get my finger bowl, huh?

>> You need your chopsticks?

>> Just my fork and a pusher.

Hurry back, boy.

>> I may join you.

I think I'll come along.

>> Hey.

Not bad without a reservation, huh?

>> Rest well.

I will see you tonight.

>> Yeah, leave a call.

We'll call you later.

>> Here, here.

Don't overmatch yourself, old man.

We may get a little rain later.

How about that?

>> Hey, what a spot this is.

>> Isn't this lush?

Central Park with twin beds.

>> Would you like me to shoot you a squirrel before your nap, sir?

>> You wouldn't do that, Daniel Boone.

>> I might dog up a rodent.

>> Oh, this'll do for me, George.

This'll do it.

Good night, all.

>> Here, get your shoes off.

You're in a palace.

>> Oh, I've always wanted to play the palace.

Draw the blinds, Alf.

It's siesta time for the sultan.

>> Very well, sir.

>> Check back with me.

Man, I could spend the rest of my life in a joint like this.

>> Aw, you say that every time you get in a bed.

>> Oh, I'm in a haze.

That Lala intoxicates me.

>> That could be.

She's half Scotch.

>> Yeah, and with me for a chaser.

>> Hope this don't end in another hangover.

>> Ah, freedom.

I better get some black polish.

This may be formal tonight.

(dramatic orchestral music) (all clapping) (all clapping) (light bagpipe music) ♪ Hoot, mon, outta my way ♪ ♪ Who do you think you arrr ♪ ♪ It's the toe of my boot, mon, if you push too far ♪ ♪ Hoot, mon, this is the day I celebrate my birrrth ♪ ♪ The seventh son of a seventh son ♪ ♪ Of a son of a gun from Firrrth ♪ (imitating bagpipes) ♪ Who can play the drums ♪ ♪ Is there a piper in the town ♪ ♪ Have them put their kilts on and come right down ♪ ♪ All ye brawny lads, whether you're poor or a man of wealth ♪ ♪ Meet me in the tavern to drink my health ♪ ♪ Who's that standing in my path ♪ >> Stand clear!

>> Grrr ♪ Don't you know you're face to face with Robbie McMahon ♪ ♪ And Robbie Macbeth, oh ♪ ♪ Hey, hoot, mon, outta my way ♪ ♪ Who do you think arrr ♪ ♪ It's the toe of my boot, mon, if you push too far ♪ ♪ Hoot, mon, this is the day I celebrate my birrrth ♪ ♪ The seventh son of a seventh son ♪ ♪ Of a son of a gun from Firrrth ♪ ♪ Oh, oh ♪ ♪ A-Hee ♪ >> Say, Haggis?

>> What is it, McBaggis?

>> Have you heard the latest about McTavish?

>> What's he done now?

>> He's living on the roof.

>> Why would he be living on the roof?

>> He heard someone say the drinks are on the house.

(both laugh) The drinks are on the house!

You know, what we- (percussive music) It's a little late, so good night, folks.

(light orchestral music) (percussive music) >> Ooh, that's me!

>> She means me.

>> Oh, thanks.

You're a pal.

>> Not mine, but a pal.

>> Here, Harold, sit here.

>> Are you kidding?

He takes the large economy size.

>> Thanks a heap.

Next week, it's my turn to wear the girdle.

>> Why don't you entertain us a little, huh?

Do your disappearing act, fade.

>> Oh, I know that one.

You mean the Hindu rope trick.

(clapping) (light orchestral music) >> Harold: How does he dress, in a revolving door?

>> I'm sure you've heard of this.

As a matter of fact, it's impossible.

>> This must be the one where they throw the rope up in the air, climb up and disappear.

It's nothing.

It's sort of a mass hypnosis.

>> Where did you learn words like that?

This kid was drummed out of kindergarten for cheating at finger painting.

>> I was framed.

(laughs) >> Now watch.

(dramatic orchestral music) >> What else is new?

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪ Pardon me, governor, I think this calls for me.

>> Here, here.

I'll be in the balcony.

(dramatic orchestral music) >> I've heard about vanishing cream, but vanishing blubber?

Fight him off, Princess!

Here comes Jack up the beanstalk!

>> George: Down, boy, down, boy.

>> How's the beast in the penthouse?

Ah, Space Cadet returns.

>> Did you my card, Jock?

I had a wonderful time.

I'm glad you were here.

>> Oh, very funny.

It's easy for you to get up there.

>> Go on, it's mass hypnosis.

>> Mass hypnosis?

You're full of helium.

Say, how about a little black magic for me, Princess?

>> Here's an exciting bit of hocus pocus.

>> If a cobra comes out of there, it's yours.

>> I'll split it with you.

>> Oh.

(light horn music) You pay your dues?

>> I wouldn't believe it if I saw it.

>> I saw it and I don't believe it.

I'm starting to believe it.

Hi- Hey.

What a fool I was, what a fool.

In Scout camp, they had basket weaving and I took up wood burning.

>> You wouldn't listen to me.

>> Hey, give me the pipe.

Say, pardon me, dear.

I'm going into business for myself.

I'll check with you in a fortnight.

>> Junior's always eager to improve himself.

Always trying to pick up something new.

Say, Princess, what about you and I seeking out some leafy dell where we discuss you in terms of me, hmm?

(light orchestral music) >> George, I must talk to you and Harold.

>> Oh, forget about Harold.

He's a hustler, a philanderer, a roue.

I want to tell you something.

He ran out on a very lovely girl down in Australia, and on their wedding day too.

>> I think he's attractive.

>> Can't hear you.

Not reaching me at all.

>> I think you're attractive too.

>> Contact.

Actually, as a matter of fact, there's nothing special about me.

I'm just an average, all-around, all-American boy with an excess of charm.

>> Harold told me that too.

>> About me?

>> About him.

>> So conceited, that lad.

Whoop.

Delightful place you have here, Princess.

Be lovely just to lay around here and grow old.

>> George.

>> Huh?

>> You and Harold will never grow old unless you escape at once.

>> Escape?

>> My cousin Ken Arok is a scheming murderer.

>> I think he's a pretty nice guy.

He's a little formal, a little cold perhaps- >> You do not know him.

He has sent many men to their death in the sea.

>> A little physical too, huh?

>> Ken Arok will let nothing stand in the way of his ambition.

Years ago, my father set out for Bali to sell a chest of valuable jewels.

The boat sank on a reef outside of our lagoon.

Neither my father nor the jewels have ever been recovered.

>> Oh.

That's the treasure they want us to haul up out of the briny, huh?

>> Many have tried, but none have succeeded.

>> No wonder they offered us 50,000 guilders to get it.

>> You must escape tonight.

>> Oh, no, Princess.

You're looking at a big guilder man.

>> You must go, I tell you.

Down in the wreck of the boat lives Bogotin.

>> Bogo-who?

>> Bogotin, a giant squid.

>> Well, let him live a little.

>> The squid is a terror.

He is an enormous monster with bone-crushing tentacles.

A man-eater.

It means certain death to the diver.

>> Certain death to the diver, huh?

Well, Harold laughs at death.

>> We must warn him, tell him about Bogotin.

>> I don't know, I may have some trouble talking him out of this.

He loves a challenge, this boy.

Death is his bread, danger his butter.

>> You've got to convince him.

>> I'm going to butter him up pretty good.

Where can he be?

And what can he be doing?

(Harold singing in the distance) (whistles) >> Hoot, mon!

♪ Hoot mon ♪ Oh, what a hoot.

What a business.

I finally learned that trick.

>> Who ran second?

>> Well, I was, hey, I've been playing this flute all night, had to clear it with Petrillo.

Georgette, stash that in the ice box, will you please?

>> Thank you, Zsa Zsa.

>> Listen.

>> Hmm?

>> Don't you ever disappear like that on me again.

I was worried into a positive tizzy about you.

>> You worried?

>> Yes, I was.

>> About me?

>> Certainly.

>> Well, bless your big fat motherly heart.

What's to worry?

>> Well, in spite of everything I can say, and I put in plenty of knocks, That palpitating princess is all a-twitter over you.

>> Me?

>> Really?

>> Yes.

>> Well, this girl is not only charming, she's intelligent.

>> You better be careful, boy.

She'll marry you and make you a prince.

You'd spend the rest of your miserable life just lolling around munching mangos and falling apart and having girls wait on you and stuff like that.

I can't let this happen to you.

You're all I've got.

>> I'll buy you a dog.

Destiny calls the young prince.

>> Surely you can't want this.

>> Well, it's a living.

>> Oh, well.

Okay, pal, I won't stand in your way.

I guess after all, I booted it.

I goofed when I told her what a hero you are.

♪ Oh, hoot, man, what a night ♪ ♪ Who do you think you are ♪ >> Harold: Boy, what a relief.

>> Just think, tomorrow at dawn, you'll be coming up out of the water with the treasure.

Have a big sumptuous wedding.

>> Yeah, dancing girls, coconut frappes, music.

Oh, boy.

Hey, how am I gonna come up with the treasure?

>> 'Cause you're going down for it.

>> Oh, I see.

>> Wait a minute.

Not me.

No, I even get the bends with I'm ducking for apples.

You're the diver.

>> I'm the diver?

>> Yeah, you're the diver.

>> Oh, Harold, you don't know what this means to me.

This is the nicest thing you've ever done, letting me be Lala's number-one boy.

Well, this changes everything.

>> I thought I was Lala's boy.

>> You were.

But you resigned.

It's all mine now.

I go down a pauper, I come up a prince.

♪ Ha-ha-ha-ha ♪ (whistling) >> Oh, no, you don't.

If that's the way it's gonna be, I'm gonna be dunked.

>> Oh, no, no, no, I can't let you do it.

It's too dangerous.

>> Ha!

I laugh at danger.

(snapping fingers) Ha-ha-ha.

>> Okay, if you insist.

You get the jewels, you get the princess.

(sighs) 'Night.

>> I get the jewels, I get the princess and I couldn't happen to a nicer girl.

Ah (light orchestral music) (light horn music) (whistles sharply) (light orchestral music) >> Harold!

Harold!

(light horn music) >> Look, don't fool with the fun flute unless you check with the master.

(knocking at the door) >> Gentlemen, it is time.

>> Oh, my princess is impatient.

Vladimir, lay out my top hat, white tie and swim fins.

>> Very good, Murgatroyd.

>> Do hurry.

(light orchestral music) >> Harold, are you sure you know what you're doing?

>> Do I know what I'm doing?

You lucky girl.

>> Then George told you?

>> Exhale a little, will ya?

I want to slip this over your head.

>> Say, you haven't got anything in straw with a wider brim and a long oval, have you?

>> No.

>> No, you wouldn't have that here.

Well, just try it on for size.

>> Any size will do.

This kid's head's a little pointy.

He takes anything from a three to a nine and 7/8ths.

Suck in your nose, dear.

There we are.

>> Oh, there you are.

>> Pretty snug, huh?

>> I'd ask you in, but it's a little crowded.

>> How can you two joke?

>> It's easy when you're brave.

>> He's plenty brave, this fella.

>> I take brave pills.

Tell her about the time in Catalina when I got that big barge off the bottom.

Boy, was she heavy.

>> Oh, but a lovely girl.

>> She was a big- >> Uh.

Here, Annette, you may want to do your nails down there.

>> Harold: Oh, thanks, he usually sticks it in my back, you know.

>> Take two, we're having a one-cent sale.

>> Don't forget my Roy Rogers water pistol.

>> Want to take a plumber's helper down with you?

>> I work alone, you know.

>> Harold, before you go down, I want you to think again- >> No, no, no time to start thinking.

He's gonna start sinking.

>> Hey, how about a little kiss for your hero, just for luck, huh?

>> Sorry, madam.

Next window please.

>> Remind him of Bogotin.

>> Oh, yes.

>> Bogotin.

>> Bogotin!

Hey.

>> Huh?

>> Where's he running?

Wait, just one minute.

Lean in here, will you?

>> You should have thought of that before.

>> Oh, but fellas!

>> We can't go through that again.

Now if your wool underwear starts to itch, it'll just have to itch.

>> Oh, well, get me another pair of hands for inside.

>> I thought you worked alone.

>> I know, but this is different.

George (whistles) (exhales loudly) >> Should have put some water in the radiator.

>> We could have made a cup of tea.

>> That is enough.

Over the side, Gung!

>> Oh, thanks, pal.

I'll bring you back some saltwater taffy.

>> Cut to fit the kisser, huh?

>> Yes, sir.

Tie it tight, sugar.

>> Say, write if you find work, won't you?

>> I'm going.

Geronimo!

>> We're going.

>> Hey.

(light orchestral music) >> Harold: Hey, I've got it.

>> Yeah?

What?

>> The treasure!

Brown wooden box, brass bands, big lock.

>> Yes, that's it, George!

>> Come on, come on, boy.

Grab the loot and scoot.

>> Drop me a hook, boy.

>> Bo Kassar, Gung, lower the line and stand by.

(suspenseful orchestral music) (bells chiming) (metal clanking) (Harold screaming on speaker) >> What is it?

What's the matter, Buster?

>> Bogotin!

It can only be Bogotin!

>> Hey, never mind that treasure, come on, pull my pal up!

>> Come on, George.

>> We haven't got time now.

Back to the pump.

Come on, we'll blow him to the surface!

(suspenseful orchestral music) (air whooshing) Get him up close now so I can gaff him.

Easy now.

Whoa, easy does it.

Up, there you go.

Upsy-daisy.

Keep going.

>> George!

>> Oh, up!

Hey, Buster, are you okay?

Hey, Buster, exhale a little.

Exhale just once.

(whistles) Buster.

Hey, Buster- >> George, look out!

(gun firing) (screaming) (air hissing and whistling) >> George: He's not in there.

>> Aah, aah, witchcraft!

(man screams) >> Obviously Bogotin has claimed the American.

Now, Lala, it is time to feed the sharks.

>> Put down that gun.

>> Your days of telling me what to do are over.

Without you, I have the island, the jewels, everything.

For this moment, I have waited all my life.

>> You try to put the finger on us, boy, and you're going to have a lot of trouble with your breathing.

(gasping) (screaming) (coughing) Oh, Buster, my boy!

>> Oh, Harold, you're safe!

>> What a man, what a battle!

Come on, boy.

>> Who's there?

>> I'm just closing the gate.

>> He's flap happy, this boy.

Now he worries about me.

>> Oh, we're proud of you, Bubbles.

Proud of you.

>> We thought you were gone.

>> Yeah, many brave hearts are asleep in the deep.

>> Good thing he's a coward, huh?

>> Aw.

He's wonderful.

>> Oh, it was really nothing.

I had him groggy with a headlock, but he hit me with an ink bottle.

>> I thought that was chlorophyll.

Hey, look!

>> We cannot go back to Vatu.

He will have our throats cut!

>> Oh, dear, that'll hurt my high notes.

>> That might help, you could sing duets.

>> We must go on to Bali.

>> Both: Bali?

>> There we can sell the jewels.

We must sail at once.

>> I'll pack.

>> Hey, wait a minute.

I want to ask you something.

I've been wondering, how did you get out of that suit?

>> Out of the diving suit?

>> Yeah.

>> Well, it was easy.

You see, I was down at the bottom and I- (grunting) >> Just think, this stuff is real!

>> Yeah, and it's worth millions, George, millions.

Looks like Ali Khan's garbage can.

>> Yeah, the top layer.

>> I think I'll have cufflinks made of these.

>> You think this is too much?

>> No, I think that'll work.

You know, if you wear it right.

With a baby spot on it.

>> Oh, they're all Lala's.

>> Yeah, and Lala's all mine.

What a parlay, huh?

You know, when I become prince the first thing I'm gonna do is pass a community property law.

>> Oh, yes, do that.

>> That cuts me in right away.

>> What line, what form!

Oh, fantastic!

>> I'll take that, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I may put this under canvas.

Let me see this.

I, hey (light horn music) Shame to you.

You're a grown man.

>> Well, she's a grown girl.

>> Yeah.

Wonder where you grow this stuff, huh?

>> If you find out, give me a call.

I'll be topside.

I gotta take my turn at the wheel.

>> Slow down.

Back, back, back, back, back.

>> Pretty alert, huh?

>> More than you know.

I got these counted, you know.

>> Really?

>> One, two, three.

>> Well, I'll see you.

>> Whoa, check, check, check.

Come.

>> How'd that get in there?

>> These are not vitamin pills, you know.

>> Oh, they are to me, old man.

>> How did my schoolteacher get in there?

(upbeat orchestral music) Oh, I'll take this on a weekend.

(light orchestral music) He's gonna sing, folks.

Now's the time to go out and get the popcorn.

♪ Before you can say I like you ♪ ♪ You've got to know people a while ♪ ♪ Watch their little tricks ♪ ♪ Listen to their talk ♪ ♪ See the way they walk and how they smile ♪ ♪ That's a rule that's tried and true ♪ ♪ A rule that you're the one exception to ♪ ♪ To see you is to love you ♪ ♪ And I see you everywhere ♪ ♪ In the sunrise, in the moon glow ♪ ♪ Anyplace I look, you're there ♪ ♪ To see you is to want you ♪ ♪ And I see you all the time ♪ ♪ On a sidewalk, in a doorway ♪ ♪ On the lonely stairs I climb ♪ ♪ Someday let me show you ♪ ♪ How happy endings start ♪ ♪ You'll find how well I know you ♪ ♪ 'Cause to know you at all ♪ ♪ Is to know you by heart ♪ ♪ To see you is to love you ♪ ♪ And you're never out of sight ♪ ♪ And I love you and I'll see you ♪ ♪ In the same old dream ♪ ♪ Tonight ♪ >> Only two more of these silvery nights and we'll be in Bali.

I kind of hate to think of leaving you, Lala.

>> You mustn't think of it because you mustn't do it.

>> Oh, I've been away a long, long time.

I, I gotta get back.

Catch some ballgames.

See how the Pirates are doing.

>> You still have pirates in America?

>> Yeah, but they're nothing to be afraid of.

Probably hiding in the cellar someplace.

But it's a fantastic place, the USA, Lala.

Just take any town, take a town, for instance, like the garden spot of North America, the lush, picturesque Riviera of the Middle West: Toledo, Ohio.

>> Toledo, Ohio, Toledo, Ohio.

Oh, it sounds beautiful.

Such a musical name.

>> Oh, it's a music town.

There's a jukebox in every bowling alley.

Lala, would you go to America with me?

>> George!

>> I mean marry me and go to America, of course.

>> Oh, it would be wonderful, but what about Harold?

>> Well, we could adopt him.

>> Adopt him?

>> George: Of course we'd have to send him away to school.

>> It's a little late for that, isn't it?

>> Oh, no, baby, he's gotta go sometime, that boy.

>> That's enough!

Why, you collapsible Como, you.

You and your Pirates.

>> What do you want to do, brag about the Cleveland Indians?

>> At least they're in the major league.

>> Go on, they throw underhanded.

That's gratitude for you.

I try to plan your education and you turn on me like a mad dog.

>> I wish I were a mad dog.

I'd give you distemper.

Listen, don't plan my education.

I'm illiterate enough now.

Listen, Lala, if you're going anywhere, you're going with me.

>> Oh, no, she's not.

>> I don't know what to do.

>> Junior, don't you think you should go beddy-bye?

>> Beddy-bye?

And leave you here with this Balinese pound cake?

Lala, you gotta make up your mind and right now.

>> Oh, that's no way to talk to your mother.

>> Listen, Mom, I, it's Lala.

La-la.

>> La-la.

>> You promised to marry me if I got the treasure, didn't you?

>> What?

>> She didn't promise you, I did.

You know what a liar I am.

>> Oh, so that's it.

You're up here pitching with this doll while I'm down there ad-libbing with that deep-sea claw machine.

>> Harold!

Harold, I do love you.

>> Oh, I thought so.

>> But I love George too.

>> Well, if you like the other generation.

They're restful.

>> I'm so confused.

I love you for what you are- >> A liar.

>> I love Harold for what he was.

Sometime, somewhere.

>> This kid's gone.

>> Oh, dear me.

She's in sections.

We better get to the bottom of this.

>> Yeah, let's get to the bottom of this.

What was I?

Where, when?

>> Probably some agonizing episode from her childhood.

We'll have to probe the subconscious with a little psychiatry.

Here, Lala.

Just lie down, dear.

Lie down.

Here, dear.

Carefully now.

All right?

There.

You comfy?

>> Yes, doctor.

>> There's a lot of quack in this boy.

>> Now, Lala, we want to delve into your past.

We want to go way back into your childhood, sort of a flashback.

>> Well, when I got to be six or seven, I remember I was terribly lonely.

I had no one to play with until one day my father brought me a little companion.

Come, Sandy, please play with me.

Please, Sandy.

(light orchestral music) Sandy!

>> Oh, not me.

You got the wrong monkey.

>> Well, I'll leave it up to you, Lala.

You want me for what I am or you want this chump for the chimp he used to be?

Kick it around a while.

I'm going downstairs and peel Buster a banana.

>> And play with your mice while you're there.

Say, now that the imposter is gone, why don't we get into- >> Harold, the wheel.

You'd better take it.

These are dangerous waters.

Coral reefs, racing currents.

>> But, baby, I got racing currents of my own.

Check.

>> You and George certainly are romantic.

>> George?

Romantic?

Oh, I use him for a warm-up boy.

I send him ahead in all these situations.

Say, but, speaking of Lard Hips, tell me, how'd you like his singing?

>> Oh, it was beautiful.

>> Princess, I got news for you.

He can't sing a note.

>> Oh, I don't understand, he- >> No, no, no, I do all the singing, you see.

He just mouths a little.

That's part of my warm-up.

And I've gotta sing slow because if he mouths too fast, his plate starts to slip.

>> But he- >> No, you see, I'm a ventriloquist.

That's part of our act.

I'll show you.

How are you down there?

>> George: Fine, how are you?

>> You see?

(rapid banging) >> Harold, the wheel!

(suspenseful orchestral music) (light orchestral music) (Harold groaning) Harold!

>> Hornblower!

Captain!

Horatio!

Come on, Captain Hornblower.

Come on, get, what do we got here?

Oh, he always did gulp his food, you know?

I think we may get his appendix here in a minute.

Aha, one of the baubles.

I think we better have this lad fluoroscoped, huh?

(Harold gasps and moans) You all right?

>> What happened?

Is the picture over?

>> No, you're all right now.

You're all right, just relax.

>> There must be a village on this island somewhere.

>> You think so?

>> We can buy another boat and go on to Bali.

>> Hey.

>> What?

>> Harold: That's a real crazy anthill.

>> I hope they got a motel with hot and cold running lava, huh?

>> Yeah, look.

A bottle.

Hey, hey, look.

Hey, there's a message in it.

>> What does it say?

>> Yeah, let's see.

>> It says "Return this bottle to Sam's Supermarket for three cents deposit."

>> Isn't it a pity?

Every movie's got to have a message.

>> How about that?

>> All right, let's get out of this bunker, huh?

(whistles) >> Wait.

Work inland here.

(light orchestral music) (tropical birds calling) (animals hooting and chattering) Hold it, hold it.

>> What's the matter?

>> Just a minute.

I haven't been smacked in the face this much since my first rumble seat.

Let's change places.

>> As you wish.

>> Push on, Princess.

Whoa, whoa.

Something wrong here.

Look, let me go ahead.

I'll break the trail, before it breaks me.

>> Lead on, Livingstone.

(suspenseful orchestral music) >> Oh, oh, oh!

>> Say, isn't he breaking trail a little high?

>> An animal snare.

Now we know there are people on this island.

>> Harold: Hey, there's people up here too!

>> I wonder what the locals are like.

>> I hope they're not cannibals or headhunters.

>> Oh, yeah.

>> Harold: I hope they're orange pickers.

I want to get off this tree.

>> Oh, stop squawking.

You'll fall off when you're ripe.

>> Harold: I feel like a windsock!

(branches crack) Hey, where you going?

>> George: Jiggers, Buster.

Quiet, somebody's coming.

>> Hi.

>> Hi.

Go ahead.

(gun firing) >> Thank you.

>> Okay.

>> Who was that?

>> That's my brother Bob.

I promised him a shot in the picture.

>> He's handsome.

>> Yes, it's a family characteristic.

>> Harold: Down!

Get me down!

My brain's rushing to my head.

>> Harold!

>> Oh, yeah.

The dangler.

Let's get the sap out of the tree.

>> Harold: This is the sloppiest hanging I ever attended.

>> You're saved, a pardon just came from the governor.

Easy now, steady.

Say, I wish I had a snapshot of this for the tuna club, eh?

Upsy-daisy, let's get him off.

>> Be careful now.

>> Okay, take it easy now.

>> Oh, I'll never say "bottoms up" again.

Got me down just in time.

I was getting tan in the wrong places.

>> Put your weight on this tree and hold it and I'll cut the thong.

Are you all right?

>> I'm fine.

The blood's coming back to my toes.

Now if I can only get my toes back to my feet.

>> It's good for your sinuses up there.

>> Yeah.

Hey!

>> Where'd he go now?

>> Oh, this boy loves to travel.

Come on, we'll bring him a Band-Aid.

(water splashing) (alligators growling) >> Lala: Harold!

>> This way, nurse.

And bring my toy boats.

>> George: Oh, Harold!

>> Over here!

>> Look!

>> Buster!

Come on out of there.

>> Not me.

I'm staying out here where it's safe.

>> Hurry now, come on.

Get out of there.

Look in back of you.

Look, look!

>> Oh!

Come on, flutter kick, flutter kick!

Come on, boy!

>> Oh, ooh!

(clothes ripping) He got a hold of me!

>> Oh!

(crocodile growling) (snaps loudly) >> I feel a breeze.

>> A breeze?

>> Yeah.

>> Well, I'll be darned.

Color television.

>> Where?

>> Widescreen too.

>> Really?

Am I on it?

>> Just your best angle.

>> I wish I had my rear view mirror.

>> Look!

>> George: "The African Queen."

>> Humphrey Bogart!

Boy, is he lost.

>> Hey!

Hey, Bogie!

>> Hey, jungle fever, that's what we got.

That was just a mirage.

>> Oh, yeah, what about this?

Humphrey Bogart's Academy Award.

>> An Oscar?

Gimme that.

You got one.

(blowing) Friends, this is a great occasion, me receiving this Academy Award and I'd like to say a word- (tiger roaring) >> Run!

>> That's the word.

(suspenseful orchestral music) >> Well, what do we got here?

A jungle motel?

>> I'd say it's a little south for a Brown Derby, isn't it?

Hello!

Anybody home?

I'm a member of the automobile club.

>> This is cold.

There's been nobody here for some time.

>> We can spend the night here.

>> Yeah, I'll go sign the register.

Princess Lala, the honorable George Cochran and manservant.

(gun firing) >> Hey!

Hey, I found a gun.

>> So we heard.

>> That's wonderful.

Now one of you can go out and hunt some food.

>> You're so right, Lala.

Say, here, Annie Oakley, run out and shoot us a filet mignon, medium rare, huh?

>> Yes.

>> Don't hurry.

>> Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.

You're the sharpshooter, nix.

This boy played second shotgun with the Spike Jones Band.

>> Not me.

The last thing I shot was two sixes.

>> Please, will one of you go out and hunt some food before it gets too dark?

>> Okay, I'll tell you what we do.

Winner stays here with Lala, huh?

>> Go.

(gun firing) (airplane zooms) (crashes) (elephant trumpeting) >> Man, those Republicans are everywhere.

>> That's the junior branch.

(light orchestral music) >> Harold.

>> Couldn't sleep, huh?

>> No.

>> Neither could I, for the same reason.

May I sit down?

(laughs) Chilly, isn't it?

You need something around you, preferably me.

>> Oh, this is so peaceful.

>> Yeah, it's what I've always wanted.

Fireside, home, backyard with flowers, a vegetable garden, couple of oil wells.

>> Lala: A home.

That's what every girl dreams of.

>> Yeah, I'll make your dreams come true, honey.

>> What about George?

>> Well, we can always make him our babysitter.

Of course, we'll have to lock up the liquor.

>> Shall we build up the fire?

>> Say, I'm in flames now, Lala.

(light orchestral music) Live, girl.

>> I never knew love could be such a problem.

>> What's the problem?

Aunt Em, our chaperone, is asleep in there.

>> What do we do when we get to Bali?

>> You're gonna marry me, naturally.

Aren't you?

>> Well, I- >> Yes?

No?

(light orchestral music) ♪ You won't say yes and you won't say no ♪ ♪ You let my poor heart pound ♪ ♪ But you smile at me and around I go ♪ ♪ On the merry-go-run-around ♪ ♪ You build me up till the sky seems low ♪ ♪ Then plop, I hit the ground ♪ ♪ But you hold my hand and around I go ♪ ♪ On the merry-go-run-around ♪ ♪ When a friend says to me ♪ ♪ Where the heck are you bound ♪ ♪ What the deuce can I say ♪ ♪ Just around and around and around ♪ ♪ You won't say leave and you won't say whoa ♪ ♪ I tried to get unwound ♪ ♪ But you kiss me once and around I go ♪ ♪ On the merry-go-run-around ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh!

♪ Oh, you won't say yes and you won't say no ♪ ♪ You let my poor heart pound ♪ ♪ But you smile at me and around I go ♪ ♪ On the merry-go-run-around ♪ ♪ You build me up till the sky seems low ♪ ♪ Then plop, I hit the ground ♪ ♪ But you hold my hand and around I go ♪ ♪ On the merry-go-run-around ♪ Dumbo, why do you cut into my singing?

>> Please, I'm singing.

>> Singing?

You'll never go anyplace with your singing.

You can't even cry.

>> I may have a nervous breakdown in this spot.

>> Have one up in a tree, will you?

>> Yes, I'll say hello to your relatives.

(monkey hooting) ♪ You won't say leave and you won't say whoa ♪ ♪ I've tried to get unwound ♪ (scatting) ♪ But you kiss me once and around I go ♪ ♪ On the merry-go-run-around ♪ ♪ I won't say yes and I won't say no ♪ ♪ I let your poor hearts pound ♪ ♪ But you smile at me and around I go ♪ ♪ On the merry-go-run-around ♪ ♪ You build us up till the sky seems low ♪ ♪ Then plop, we hit the ground ♪ ♪ But you hold our hand and around we go ♪ ♪ On the merry-go-run-around ♪ ♪ When a friend says to me ♪ ♪ Where the heck are you bound ♪ ♪ What the deuce can I say ♪ ♪ Just around and around and around ♪ ♪ You won't say leave and you won't say whoa ♪ (yells like Tarzan) (yell echoes) >> Who there?

♪ I tried to get unwound ♪ ♪ but you kiss me once and around I go ♪ ♪ On the merry-go-run-around ♪ (monkeys applauding) (light orchestral music) (dramatic orchestral music) (suspenseful orchestral music) (ape growling) (tiger snarling) (ape growling) Shh!

(snarling and roaring) >> Harold, George, get up quick!

>> What's the matter?

>> The bus leaving?

>> Huh?

>> House detective here?

>> I dunno, we have to see.

Where'd he go?

>> Look out.

(snarling and roaring) (dramatic orchestral music) (high-pitched wailing) >> It's a female gorilla.

It must be the dead one's mate.

>> Ha-ha, the winner and new champion.

(tiger snarling) >> Oh, I better put out the cat.

>> That gun's no good.

>> No?

Watch this!

>> Look out!

(gun firing) >> Where'd it go?

(bullet ricocheting) >> We might as well relax.

We'll be here all winter.

>> Yeah, let's dig in.

Phone the command post.

(dreamy orchestral music) Hey!

What is this, morning lineup?

Get up, she's not here.

Lala's gone.

>> Maybe some dirty rat kidnapped her.

>> Oh, couldn't be, we're both here.

>> Oh, you.

(Lana singing in the distance) (light orchestral music) ♪ Romance comes with the moon flowers ♪ ♪ Tonight the moon flowers will be in bloom ♪ ♪ Love walks among the moon flowers ♪ ♪ I planted moon flowers outside my room ♪ >> Isn't that a beautiful picture?

>> Yeah, when does the tide go out?

♪ The path that winds by the wishing tree ♪ ♪ It ends beneath my window and there I'll be ♪ ♪ And there I'll wait for the love I long for ♪ ♪ Tonight the moon flowers may bloom for me ♪ (branch cracks) >> How come we don't fall?

>> Paramount wouldn't dare.

At your age?

(laughs) >> Shall we then?

>> Inhale.

(both inhaling) >> Hey, come on out of there.

>> Yeah, time's a-wasting.

>> I'll see you back at the hut.

>> Oh, no, we couldn't leave a poor defenseless girl like you out alone in this jungle.

>> Yeah, you need two defenseless men to protect you.

>> Speak for yourself.

(laughs) >> All right, turn your heads.

>> Both: Selfish.

>> Lala: My hair ribbon, it's gone.

>> Hair ribbon?

What about your sarong?

>> Lala: You stay there while I get dressed.

>> "What about your sarong?"

That's nice talk.

>> Well, I was just asking.

>> Cover up your eyes, like she said.

>> You never want to have any fun.

That's my type of girl, the athletic type.

>> When the right kind of a girl comes along, you'll be swept off your feet.

>> My type of girl's right back there, I want to tell you that.

I know all about swimming, you know.

I was, I used to grease 'em for the Channel swim.

>> Had plenty of oil left over too.

(laughing) >> Oh, George, come on.

Cut it out, will you?

Come on, stop kidding- (hooting) Hey, hey!

Help!

George!

Help!

>> Oh, Harold, you pick up with the darndest people.

Harold!

>> George, George!

Where'd you go?

>> Buster, Buster!

Don't get excited.

Play it real cool, Buster.

Don't antagonize her.

That's the dead gorilla's mate, Buster!

>> What does she want?

Revenge?

>> No, I'm afraid not.

(growling) >> Hurry, George.

This kid's a juvenile delinquent.

>> Keep cool!

>> Yeah, keep cool?

I'm numb!

>> I'll think of something.

>> George!

>> Keep real cool.

>> I'm too cool.

Why am I attractive to young widows?

>> Oh, Buster, I don't like the look in her eyes.

>> George, get a rock, a club, anything!

Kill one of us!

George, George.

(growling) Sing to her.

You know, music hath charms to soothe the savage beast.

>> Breast, that is.

>> Beast, breast, sing!

♪ To see you is to love you and I see you everywhere ♪ ♪ In the sunrise, in the moon glow ♪ ♪ Everywhere I look you're there ♪ >> Down, baby.

I got a frog in my throat.

Down, girl.

>> Soothe her!

Sing!

Sing!

♪ To see you is to want you ♪ ♪ To love you and I see you ♪ >> Buster!

>> Keep singing!

And if you get tired, call Gary.

>> Hey, Buster, help!

>> Help!

Help!

Harold, George, help!

They're after me!

>> Who?

>> The natives!

>> The natives?

Get the jewels and run.

Hey, hey, keep working.

>> What's the matter?

>> The natives are here.

Sing, sing!

>> I lost the- >> Go, go!

♪ To see you is to love you ♪ >> Oh!

>> What happened?

>> Mosquitoes, a rear guard action.

>> It's a poisoned dart.

>> What?

Call an ambulance, I'm wounded.

(gorilla wails) >> Oh!

>> They got you, huh?

>> Tell me this is only a vitamin shot, honey.

>> This is a daka-ji.

>> Daka-who?

>> It won't kill you.

It'll just cause muscular convulsions, then a coma.

Daka-ji means "the laughing twitch."

(both laughing) >> Daka-ji!

Daka-jata!

(laughing) Go sit in the audience if you're gonna laugh like that.

>> Yeah, laugh it up out there.

(natives shouting) (dramatic orchestral music) (pigs squealing) >> I wish I was the little pig that stayed home.

>> Don't worry till they put an apple in your mouth.

Then you're in trouble.

Come on.

>> What's this bit?

>> How many times have I told you?

Don't play with your food!

>> Don't play with the, food?

>> Vermin!

Sons of crawling maggots!

Get out of here!

>> Say, did you hear that kid's mother?

Those cats are cannibals.

>> Maybe they're only headhunters.

>> Only headhunters?

This is the only head I got.

I'm very attached to it.

>> What do you mean?

They throw the rest away?

>> Right now, I wish I was back with that sweet, lovely gorilla.

>> Oh, yes, I'm carrying a little bit of a torch for her myself.

Oh, the barbecue boys are back.

>> Chef Mulani and his brother.

>> You take your hands off of me!

(all shouting) >> Well, they took her.

>> Why'd they take just her?

>> Maybe they start with the dessert, huh?

Hang on, let's see where they're going.

>> Oh, they can't really be headhunters.

>> No, no, just, hey.

What are those?

Popsicles?

>> Looks like my draft board.

>> On your knees, woman!

On your knees to Bhoma Da, high priest of Nua-ta.

>> I kneel to no one.

(speaking foreign language) >> That Scotch weave.

Where did you get it?

>> Man: Long ago from a white man.

He wore it like the skirt of a woman.

>> This man, was he called McTavish?

>> Man: Yes, that is how he was called.

Makatavish.

>> Makatavish was my father.

(speaking foreign language) >> You are Princess Lala?

Your father was my good friend.

Still warm in my heart.

And for his daughter, anything you wish for shall be done.

(speaking foreign language) 21-gong salute!

(speaking foreign language) (gong ringing) >> Just listen at that, will you?

For whom the bells toll.

>> Yeah, I saw that picture.

Very few laughs.

Even Gary Cooper got killed.

>> Both: Yup.

>> Well, I don't mind getting killed, but they're gonna torture us.

>> Oh, no, no, I couldn't stand torture.

>> Me neither.

>> No, they're not gonna torture me.

It hurts.

>> Well, there's only one thing to do.

>> Yeah.

Ready?

(whistling) ♪ Pattycake, pattycake, baker's man ♪ ♪ Bake a cake as fast as you ♪ >> So you see, I love both men, Harold and George.

>> Then Your Highness has no problem.

Here on Nua-ta, a woman can have as many husbands as she can afford.

>> I can marry them both?

>> And why not?

White women have many husbands too.

But only one at a time.

Here we do not like the installment plan.

>> Marry them both.

Oh, that is wonderful, Bhoma Da.

Happiness is like smoke in the wind.

So quickly gone.

Let it be done now at once.

>> Very well.

See to it that the two white men are prepared for a royal wedding to the princess.

>> Royal wedding?

Mazel tov!

>> Thank you.

>> All: Mazel tov!

>> A royal wedding!

Mazel tov!

>> All: Mazel tov!

>> Now we will visit our chief, Ramayana.

>> Wait a minute.

You ain't cooking me in no oil!

No, no, you can't eat me!

I'm skinny, I'm stringy, I'm tough!

I'll give you indigestion!

>> We do not eat you.

>> Oh, no.

You are to be married.

>> Married?

Why, now wait a minute, I'm not gonna marry you!

Go ahead, eat me!

Kill me!

I'm fat, I'm plump, I'm delicious!

No unpleasant aftertaste!

Go ahead!

>> You do not marry me!

You marry Princess of Vatu!

>> What?

You mean Lala?

So she finally came to her senses, huh?

Lala.

What is this, my trousseau?

Reminds me of a blind date I once had in Cleveland.

Well, that's perfect.

You may proceed to groom the groom.

Oh, poor George.

This'll kill him.

Well, some of us have it and some of us don't.

But I feel like such a cad having so much of it.

Please.

I've undressed myself since I was 17.

>> Well, I see my wedding headdress is back from the dentist.

Ooh, Meyer, Meyer, Meyer, easy on the cologne.

Let's be subtle, shall we?

Insidious-like.

Ah me, I feel so deliriously DeMille-ish.

Some of us have it and some of us don't.

(chuckling) Poor Harold.

He must have misplaced it.

You may pour just a little cooking sherry, huh?

>> You're every bit as beautiful as I have been told, Princess Lala.

>> Chief Ramayana has heard of me?

>> Yes, my dear cousin.

>> Ken Arok!

>> It is good to see you, Lala.

And this too!

>> That's mine, you thief!

>> Not a thief, my cousin, but a matchmaker.

>> My dear wives are aging rapidly.

And they bore me.

You, Princess, will bring youth into my home.

Youth!

It's wonderful!

>> No, no!

>> This cannot be!

>> Silence!

(clapping) Take the princess into the bridal hut.

She has spirit too.

>> In the morning, in the light of reason, she will agree to our bargain, Ramayana.

>> You cannot do this thing.

She has given her heart to the two Americans.

>> Those white mice?

>> I have an idea.

Instead of their hearts, Lala shall have their heads shrunken so.

They make lovely bedposts.

>> But Ramayana, listen to the wedding chants.

Already the two grooms are being prepared.

You cannot stop this ceremony without insulting the gods and your people.

>> Why not have your ceremony?

With two grooms and no bride.

>> Excellent.

Two grooms.

And no bride.

>> No!

Rajong, the god of the sleeping volcano, will not permit the sacrilege of a wedding without a bride.

>> Who rules this island?

You or the volcano?

>> You are right.

I rule this island.

I!

Not that volcano!

(men chanting in foreign language) >> Rajong, god of the sleeping volcano, do you approve of this action?

>> Rajong: No!

>> You see?

>> A silly superstition for old women.

You do not fool Ramayana with your ventriloquism.

>> Yes.

Now go.

Attend the wedding of the two grooms.

Without a bride.

(both laughing) >> Oop, say, Muscles, is the bride gonna wear one of these too?

>> Yes.

>> Well, I'm game if she's game.

We'll win the door prize sure.

>> Hey, wait a minute.

Does the princess wear one of these too?

>> Yes.

>> Oh, this could lead to a ticklish situation.

Nice fit.

Ah.

(percussive music) >> Man: Let the wedding ceremony begin.

(people chanting in foreign language) >> The wedding wine is ready.

>> No bride.

(speaking foreign language) A mickey.

>> A mickey.

(all chanting in foreign language) >> On with the ceremony.

(volcano rumbling) Continue.

(singing in foreign language) (speaking foreign language) >> Man: With this wine, I pronounce you man and wife.

>> Take them away!

Advise me when they are awakened.

I have plans for them.

(dreamy orchestral music) >> Harold: Lala.

And Lala's mine.

>> Oh, honey.

>> Lala.

There's a man in bed with us.

>> Yeah, I got a hold of him.

>> Both: You!

>> Hey, hey, what's the idea here?

Somebody switched roommates on me.

>> Where's my wife?

This woman's a man.

>> You do not have a wife.

>> Are you kidding, Jack?

I'm Prince Harold of Vatu.

>> You?

I married Lala!

>> You did not marry the princess.

>> Wait a minute.

I married her.

>> You did not marry her.

>> Are you kid, look.

I put on this bug-eyed beanie.

>> I sweated my way into that pullover getup.

I got feathers up my nose.

>> Not- >> Uh- One of us has got to go to Reno.

>> Let's hurry before Louella grabs us.

Where's Lala?

>> Princess Lala is to become the seventh wife of our chief.

>> Wait a minute, what becomes of us?

>> You have five minutes to live.

>> Will we feel it?

>> Oh, no, we use sodium pentirium.

>> Oh, that's sweet.

>> Isn't that thoughtful?

Well, Buster, I guess this is it.

>> Well at least we're going out together.

>> We've been through a lot together, old pal.

I can't complain though.

We've had a lot of laughs.

I just hope in your heart of hearts, you can forgive me for the few, the few little bitty times when I tried to con you.

(volcano rumbles) Say, there's a storm coming up here, huh?

>> I forgive you, George.

I know you've always meant well.

I must have been a trial to you.

(volcano rumbles) >> Say, we might get postponed here on account of rain.

Well, Harold, you know, of course, I don't have to tell you what you've meant to me.

We've been through so much together.

And here we are in life as in death, we face it together.

C'est la guerre.

>> Both: La guerre!

(volcano rumbles) La guerre!

(suspenseful orchestral music) (woman screaming) >> We gotta get Lala.

>> Yeah.

(all screaming) Lala!

>> Lala!

>> Lala!

>> Oh, Lala!

>> Lala: George, Harold, help!

Help!

>> Hold on, Lala!

>> Help!

George!

>> I'll get her, I'll get her.

>> What do you, I'll get her!

>> Lala: Help!

George, help!

Help!

>> All this meat and no tomato!

Where are you, Lala?

(suspenseful orchestral music) (both coughing) You all right, honey?

>> Yes, dear.

>> Come on, let's get away from this weenie roast.

We got the jewels.

>> Yeah, I don't want to be a rich cinder.

>> Come on!

(suspenseful orchestral music) (animals hooting and squawking) >> Hey, look at all that rice growing down there, huh?

>> Yeah, rice.

It's symbolic.

>> Symbolic?

Well.

>> Yeah, rice, you know, pudding.

And weddings too, eh, Princess?

>> Look!

A ship!

>> We're saved.

>> We must get to the beach!

>> Yeah.

Hey, the ship's captain can perform the ceremony.

>> I'll take care of my own wedding arrangements if you don't mind.

(both grumbling) If you're a real nice boy, I'll let you give the bachelors' dinner.

>> You're a little heavy, but you can be flower girl.

>> This girl's marrying me, Buster.

>> Oh, this kid needs me in her world.

>> Now wait, wait just a minute here.

>> All right, let's settle this once and for all before we get on the ship.

Let's toss a coin.

>> Coins?

We're tapped.

I got a better idea.

We'll Indian wrestle.

>> Okay.

Oh, no.

Last time I won, you gave me an Indian.

Here, let Lala decide.

We'll draw straws.

>> Straws?

>> Yeah.

If she draws the long straw, she gets me.

The short one, you.

>> Yes, and I'll hold the straws, huh?

>> Please, please.

I've already made up my mind.

>> Both: Ah, tough luck, old man.

>> Too bad.

>> Gee.

>> I'm sorry, Harold.

>> You pick him?

>> Yes.

>> Oh, how nearsighted can you be?

>> Cheer up, Buster.

You'll find somebody.

Try the lonely hearts club, okay?

>> Lala's the only girl in the world for me.

>> Say, you've got a basket there.

Now if you just had your magic flute, you'd be in business.

>> Well.

It just so happens.

>> Ah, that's my gallant little man.

He's always thinking.

(Harold growls) (light flute music) (light orchestral music) (light flute music) >> Jane Russell!

Oh, wing-ding!

I- >> Ladies?

>> Hey, wait a minute!

What are you gonna do with two girls?

>> That's, uh, my problem.

>> Hey!

Hey, come back!

Wait for me!

Oh, no, you don't.

Stay right where you are, folks.

This picture isn't over yet.

Stay right there, keep your seat.

Hey!

Come here, hey!

Oh, no, you don't.

No, you don't.

No, stay right there, keep, hey, George!

Jane, lala!

Hey!

Oh, no, no, stay right there.

George!

Get the writers!

Get the producers!

Get my agents!

Get a girl!

It's sabotage!

(grand orchestral music)